Another Deer Story

This weekend I fled to the desert to think and cry some place different than my apartment and office. Due to an unfortunate deer encounter, I've been given a bonus day of thinking. It's been thankfully free from crying and given my a lot of perspective into things I'm grateful for.

I always seem to visit Capitol Reef when I'm fleeing.  The first time I visited the park was in 2008 after a misguided winter camping trip to Bryce Canyon (too cold in December).  I fled again in 2010 following the deer encounter in the Henry Mountains and a failed summit bid for Mt. Hilliers.  Just this summer I found myself desperately racing for Capitol Reef after a successful bid at Mt. Ellens, hoping to beat a thunderstorm.  But this weekend's trip was just to enjoy Capitol Reef and I did.  I hiked new trails and spent all day in an entirely new-to-me part of the park: the Cathedral District.  When I rolled into my camp site Saturday afternoon I noticed the in the orchard next to my site did not care about me at all.  I took it as a sign that the deer knew they had a good source of food (apples) and no threats, as there is no hunting in the Park.  But I see now it was an inauspicious sign of bad things to come.
 

Vacation Success! 

By 4:00 pm Sunday I declared the trip a success - I did a lot of thinking and some crying and I was ready to go home.  Getting back to the freeway I was about half way between Hanksville and Torrey, thus halfway between taking the Fishlake route west to I-15 or the Highway 191-6 route east to the freeway.  I hate the drive between Green River and Spanish Fork, so I opted for the Fishlake Forest Route.  Things were going well for an hour -I got back into cell service and let my dad know I was safe, Florence and the Machine and Bright Eyes kept coming up on my iPod, I was alert, the 4 hour drive was going to be alright.  I love driving through the Wayne County towns outside Capitol Reef, they're small but seemingly vibrant.  I could really see myself happy in Bicknell or Torrey.

Happy at the Temple of the Moon 

The climb out of Loa into Fish Lake was alright until there were deer everywhere!  I hit the breaks and swerved around one...  Maybe clipped another... Why were they always in groups of three?  Why were they hanging out in the middle of the highway, people were driving 65 mph down that road?!?!  I slowed, wondering how fast I could safely go when a big deer came up and just stood there.  I honked and hit the breaks, but was still going upwards of 45 mph.  There were so many thunks and popping noises.  It was just awful. 

So much carnage. 

I pulled over to assess the damage, thinking maybe I could just call Highway Patrol and keep driving because it looked like just my headlight was out.  Then I noticed the hood was pretty bent.  And there was steam coming out of the bend in the hood.  And there was blood.  Oh, Phyllis!  Oh, deer!  I called my dad to make sure I was supposed to call 911 about such things (my life wasn't in danger....) - yes, call emergency services after you demolish a deer and your car.  I didn't know it, but the dispatcher put a call out to a tow truck and to the Highway Patrol.   I got all my cries out walking down Highway 24 in search of any big pieces of my car (there were mostly small pieces).  I called my dad, who found the number for my insurance company (because it seems I've used all of my insurance ID cards as kindling), I called the insurance company and got a claim started (a first for me, I've never had a collision I could cover with my insurance), then the tow truck showed up and started putting Phyllis up on the truck.  Things went astonishingly smooth given the number of times I said "I don't know, I've never done this before.  Am I calling the right person?" 

Do you know what was happening during the 30-45 minutes between impact and Phyllis getting on the truck?  Everyone driving down Highway 24 stopped to make sure I was alright.  It was a little frustrating in the middle of it all, when I was just trying to explain to the insurance company what had happened.  But mostly it was so nice.  The tow truck guy took me to a hotel near their shop, the hotel clerk was super nice, even though I was filing a report with UHP while trying to check in.

The Aquarius Motel - not bad at all. 

I had a nice warm place to get cleaned up and sleep.  Monday morning I called the insurance company and against all odds, found a rental car place in the next county over and there's an adjustor coming out to Bicknell to survey the damage. I put a call out on Facebook for help and ended up scheduling a ride out of town within an hour.   (Well, the ride was scheduled, but I had 5 hours to kill in the meantime.) I got an office set up at the library and a place to store all my stuff.

Maggie the Bike and my cooler of snacks have a whole auditorium. 

 It sucks that I hit a deer, but I've undoubtedly got more to be grateful for.  I know, Thanksgiving is just a few days away, do we really need one more gratitude post?  Yeah, I just demolished a deer in the one of the more remote parts of the state and everything turned out alright - I should be grateful.  So here is everything that fell into place today -

• I hit a deer within a mile or so of losing cell service.  I was close enough to Loa to be able to call my dad, 911 and my insurance company.  (It seems so many people pulled over because everyone in that part of Wayne County has hit a deer during the winter and knew it was possible I was freezing in my car with no cell service. 
• I spent all day today out of cell service on dirt roads or winding highways with no shoulder.  I hit a deer during the 8 miles of driving that were safe for me to pull off the road. 
• Hopefully I just damaged the radiator and the body.  My airbags didn't deploy (which could be a problem, but I'm happy about it), my tires and windshield are ok, and I'm just fine. 
• I got immediate offers from my family to come get me and tow my car home.  At 7:00 on a Sunday night. 
• I have adequate insurance on my car. 
• I always pack an extra pair of underwear when I go camping (I afraid I'll fall into a stream and get hypothermic due to wet underwear) and plenty of munchies.  So I've got clean clothes to change into and food to eat, despite the fact that Bicknell was shut down for the day (or season) when we rolled back in.
• There's a hotel open during the shoulder season in Bicknell and it's pretty nice.  Deep bathtub, doors that lock, a little coffee maker. 
• I have really, really great friends who helped me out in a pinch and did so quickly. 
• Strangers are also great. Everyone has been helpful. People are just good and it's nice to remember that. 

I didn't really want to have another night to think about things, but all in all, everything is fine.  I'm pretty upset I slayed (slew?) that deer.  And I'm really upset about the damage to poor Phyllis the Forester, but I've just got to be happy that I've got a warm bed to stay in a plan for tomorrow.

Gypsum Sinkhole is cool. But you and I are stronger than gypsum. When the pressure of life (or sandstone) bear down, we don't collapse! 

Should anyone of you wonder what to do when the local road conditions are "Deer Storms," here's what I learned tonight:

• Slow way down.  You can't stop on a dime and those deer aren't going to move.  Something about "Deer in the headlights." 
•     -Don't try catching up to that car 0.5 miles ahead and hope they will flush all the deer away, just slow down.
• After colliding, pull your car safely out of the roadway.  Maybe make sure the deer is also off the side of the road (or let the generous locals help you with that)
• Call 911.  They can dispatch a tow truck and get Highway Patrol involved, you'll need to file an incident report. 
• Keep your current insurance cards in your car.  They make handy kindling when car camping, but their more important function is proving you've got insurance and keeping important information, like your policy number and important phone numbers, at your finger tips. 
• Think about avoiding driving through the forest at night.  Deer seem to come out in the roadway more often then and it's harder to see them. 

Be Excellent to Each Other, Pt 2

It's been a rough week for those associated with the Mormon Church.  The Church's decision to exclude children of gay families from church ordinances caused a lot of deeply felt pain.  The policy itself hurt a lot of people and harsh reactions to it hurt even more.  

I haven't been an active Mormon for the better part of a decade, but I was sick to my stomach over that decision.  I left deliberately because I discovered during the repentance process I didn't believe in the atonement of Christ, without that nothing in the church matters.  That's a heavy sentence, and it took me months of crying in the bishop's office to diagnose.  I stayed for about two weeks after that because I had friends at church and thought maybe there was something to the studies about longevity and church.  But here's the thing, without faith in the parts of the gospel that matter, the 'cultural Mormon' stuff is insufferable.  

Before I figured out what exactly I didn't believe, church was stressful because of the nagging feeling that I didn't belong.  I was skeptical of orthodox views of sin, I hate the word obedience, and I felt pressured to sacrifice my life goals so my husband could do something more kick ass.  It's possible get past all of that if the atonement of Christ brings joy into your life, but I found it doesn't bring me any joy.  Despite having a very clear and nuanced understanding of the atonement (credentials: I read the Book of Mormon three times before I graduated high school, and I read Jesus the Christ, and I graduated seminary), I didn't feel it.  Church is all about the feels and I wanted to feel it so much.  I loved my bishop.  He took the time to talk about faith in a way that meant something to me and I knew that he truly cared about me.  One day he use his hand as a metaphor to explain repentance to me, with the atonement at the center (the palm), then asked me pointedly, "Do you believe that Christ atoned for your sins?"  No, I realized then that I don't.  I’m happy if the gospel makes you happy, but please don’t ask me to muscle through issues of faith.

Faith is a complex thing that requires consistent exercise.  If you neglect your faith it will atrophy, and in my case it died.  This fits in well with other metaphors about faith: it's a seed you need to water, a cup you need to fill, or a mountain you need to move (do I understand that story right?).   I can't identify the point in time I neglected my faith, I know my family would feel better if I could, but hindsight is a faulty scope.  There are plenty events that led me to be disillusioned, they’re easy to remember but not actually the issue.  However, at some point between 2002 and 2008 the balance shifted in favor of disillusionment, church was only stressful, and my life got much better after I left.  The Church’s new policy on gay families is a watershed event for many; an early frost that killed their seed, their faith glass shattering, or the mountain to move is actually K2.  

Why share this?  Feeling like I didn't belong and then knowing that I had to leave was really painful and it's just a fraction of what gay members and their families feel right now.  I finally left because I was exhausted by emotionally preparing myself for church; hearing members discuss homosexuality as "the evil in the world” destroyed me, and I'm a straight woman.  If the teachings of the church bring enough joy, it's possible to focus on the good parts (i.e., acknowledgement that homosexuality is not a choice, any talk by Elder Uchtdorf, and Elder Oaks’ recent talk).  This new policy on gay parents is bad.  I was sick to my stomach Thursday (Nov 5) night when I read about the decision, knowing how devastated my gay and progressive Mormon friends felt.  No matter where you are in your faith, being excluded by a group you considered yourself a part of hurts, it hurts more if you still want in.  They've been labeled apostate and their children's futures in the Church have been sanctioned.  It essentially erases all the good will any other members have worked to build.  

Reactions have been the worst, I cried all day Friday as they came rolling in.  I know not to look at Facebook to see the good in the world, but it's how I maintain contact with my Mormon friends and my gay friends.  There were a few bright spots, like my friends who simply said they were going to go pray because they were upset and confused.  But I cried until I was sobbing every time a loved one posted "Why are you shocked?  This is in line with the Church's policy."  "Why do you even care?"  "Just be nice and have faith in our leaders!"  I'm shocked because the decision came out of the blue, on the heels of some conciliatory words from those leaders.  I'm really shocked because it feels so cruel to sanction the children and hope that someday they will disavow their family.  I care because I know there are people struggling mightily to balance their love of someone gay (or actually being gay) with their love of the gospel and they just lost that balancing act.  While being in line with church policy and affecting a fraction of the church's membership, it is such a loud statement, unprecedented in its clarity, that those people are not wanted in the Church.  I empathize a lot with that fraction of the Church, having struggled with my own faith.  I have a Mormon heritage; growing up in that community shaped who I am and I don't regret any of it.  It's easy to see why gay members would want their families to grow up with the same things.  

It is incredibly dismissive to tell others to "just be nice" when they've been called apostate and had their most important relationship placed near murder in a list of sins.  (And they've seen just how many of their Mormon friends still don't like gay people.)  There was a collective howl of pain among my friends still clinging to the Church somehow, but the pain has been re-labeled as "meanness."   Calling the pain (or doubt) I feel illegitimate is perhaps the most hurtful because I've heard it so often; it's what I heard every time I had an issue with a doctrine and praying the doubt away doesn't work for me.  We (progressive Mormons, post-Mormons, ex-Mormons, gay Mormons) are crying because the decision to exclude gay families fits into a clear, continuing narrative: we are not welcome.  Please let us be sad about it.  I understand the paradox religious leader’s face in trying to remain steadfast in their faith while also being relevant to evolving societal needs. But this is cruel.  

Few of us know how to talk about the feels and it seriously impedes conversations about faith.  It took me hours to write this and I've been thinking about it for seven years now.  I've started to write it many times and gone on to write about events that were hurtful.  But I've come up with my own personal strategy for dialogue, developed from careful observations of my boyfriend’s family (who are seriously good listeners).  Ask real questions, LISTEN to the answer, wait, think, and then only say something if needs to be said.  It's easier to ask questions poorly, only listen to come up with a counter argument, and then say something [hurtful/useless] immediately.  Good conversations about complex issues don't happen online and they don't happen fast (maybe the biggest issue for me and my family of hot-heads).  There have been a lot of anecdotes* slung around that fit well into our confirmation biases, but very little that actually encourages understanding and empathy.  I'm sad for the future of the Church because so many empathetic members just left, leaving a lot of voices who will stand up today and say "Good riddance."  

I may never stop caring about the Church because my family is there and I will love them forever.  I cried until I couldn't anymore because I struggle with things that come between me and the place that holds my family.  I know that while they work to process this terrible decision, they also worry about my salvation.  But the pain and hostility I've felt when members discuss feminism and homosexuality make me feel like I should distance myself from the Church.  I'm so tired for being rejected.  

*I must mention my Internet pet peeve: "Well said."  I won’t read anything on the Internet with the tagline "Well said".  It's probably not well said, just bolder (read: more rude) than the re-poster dare be or a stupid meme.  I care more about what you think in your own words.