The Weirdest Quarantine Phase Yet

I have reached the strangest phase yet of quarantine: Watching "The Little Mermaid" On Repeat. 

"The Little Mermaid" was released in 1989, the year I turned six. While on its own it is a great movie, it really spoke to me as a girl with big red hair and a rock collecting hobby. 

The Downard's circa 1992.

I'm pleasantly surprised by how well this movie holds up to my very fond childhood memories of it, but I can also see some of my long running issues might be rooted in the same film. What follows are the best and worst parts of the movie, according to me, a 37-year-old lady and native Utahan. 

The Parts That Hold Up Well 

The Music 

• Part of the Your World is the best song ever written. It is not up for debate. I couldn't have anticipated that the line, "I want to be where the people are" would become so resonant. But I also really love, "What's a fire? And why does it, what's the word, BURRNNN?" Additionally, I love that Ariel is a collector, especially now that all I do is wander past my rock collection muttering, "Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? [...] But who cares? No big deal. I want more." 

   

• This might be my dog, Pippa's, least favorite thing. I sing it a lot and singing is not one of my top skills, but I gotta sing this song with all my feelings. 

• Under the Sea really slaps and it has an excellent message about gratitude, an abundance mindset, and biodiversity (even if they put freshwater species like newts in a saline waterbody). My favorite gratitude line: "Nobody beat us, fry us and eat us, in fricassee." I can add "No one will eat me in fricassee" to my gratitude journal most days.  

  

• I'm happy to report, now that I've been snorkeling quite a few times, that under the actual ocean appears just as festive as the animation. And being a fan of clams, I do believe that each little clam here knows how to jam here. 

The People and Relationships 

• Sebastian is a great mentor. He starts out declaring Ariel a headstrong teenager, but then helps her stay safe while she pursues her dreams. He both cares about her singing talents and her well-being. Parents of children named Sebastian, did you all name your Sebastian's after the crab? If so, awesome! 
• Prince Eric is genuinely attractive, even though he is a 32-year-old animated character. 

• Grimsby tells Eric, "Far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood. One warm and caring and right before your eyes." After reading through too many Hinge profile responses to "I'm looking for..." that specify unrealistic dream girls, I feel this in my bones. 

• In recent watching I noticed that Ariel is the hero for the first two-thirds of the movie. She saves Eric from drowning, seeks out the help of the Sea Witch without backup, and shows Eric how to drive a carriage. Bad ass and competent. Also, it's pretty damn accurate that a hurricane, which is mostly wind and lightning (my biggest fears), ruins everything for the sailors. 

The Culture 

• The scene where the chef, Louie, sings about cooking seafood has made me unbearable when I try to speak French. Generally, I found it to be a difficult language, but I was able to confidently order fish (les poissons) in Normandy because I watched this movie closely. However, when ordering les poissons, it is impossible not to follow it up with "Hee hee hee, haw haw haw." It's a nice thing that only I find amusing. 

Le Poissons in France! Hee hee hee, haw haw haw!

• There's a point in the movie when King Triton says, "Now I consider myself a reasonable merman." And now I finally hear how close Merman and Mormon sound. 

The Problematic Parts 

Bodies and What They Can Do 

• Okay. We've got to talk about the seashell top and the boobs in it. First of all, if you've got a neck as skinny as Ariel's, you can't grow boobs that big. Would it have really hurt the animators to draw a more reasonable profile? B of all: the strap on that seashell bra is not sufficient to hold up anything, even A-cup seashells. It is too thin and not elastic enough. Finding a supportive bra/swimsuit top has taken up more of my adult life than I expected since I grew up with "The Little Mermaid" setting my expectations.  

• Hair. Thick hair does not behave this way in the water: 

•  And hair definitely does not do this when you emerge from the water. 

• If you don't restrain your hair it will only cover your eyes and/or get in your mouth while you swim. Once out of the water, it will become plastered to your head in whatever configuration it fits. Watching Ariel's beautiful hair move around with a simple toss of her head gave me more unreasonable expectations than the seashell top. I'm still angry about it. 

The prospect of brushing this makes my scalp hurt

• Ariel's eyes take up approximately one-third of her face. Where are her sinuses? How could she wear corrective lenses? 
• Posing gracefully on sea rocks (see gif above) is impossible: they are pointy, slippery, and covered in crabs and barnacles. This is especially true if there are waves. 

• Yet I will try every chance I get. 

Relationships 

• Love at First Site. It is not real nor worth trading your voice for. You can't trust your impressions of someone if the first time you see them they are on a boat with a dog. Everyone looks good on a boat and dogs are chick magnets. 

• The One. Romantic notions and dating strategies that revolve around finding The One are just wrong. I'm more incensed, though, about the idea that you'll know you've found The One when you see them (see point above). This toxic ideology is especially problematic when you take into account that Ariel is a teenager. Her brain is still developing and she can't accurately assess the risks and consequences of her romantic choices. Ursula is clearly taking advantage of this. 

• King Triton destroying his daughter's treasure collection is messed up, especially compared with the loving listening from Sebastian. At least he feels bad for it later in the movie. However, I expect him to have more parenting skills with his youngest child.

There you have it. Now I encourage you to watch "The Little Mermaid" and let me know what stands out to you. I love you. Stay safe!